I’ve been laying in my bed all night facing the fact that I am broke and I have two rigs of meth left to use tomorrow before my last gram is gone.  Then what???  I refuse to sleep with people in exchange for anything / any drug.
That leaves me with ony one option.
Get clean.

As I was pondering that thought,  I decided that I needed to make a list of why I want to get clean, and why I don’t want to as well, to have as a reference tool whenever I’m thinking about using again.  So here goes…

Reasons I hate using meth :
1)  My teeth.  I hate how bad they hurt when I use.  Anbesol isn’t cutting it anymore.
2)  My lips are so dehydrated they are cracked and peeling.
3)  My tongue is cracking in the center as well and it hurts to swallow orange juice or to chew anything rough/crunchy at all.
4)  My elbow and veins are fucked
..to put it bluntly.
5)  My toes hurt whenever I put shoes on. They are developing black spots and blisters all over them. Shoes have always been one of my very favorite things to shop for and now there are days I can barely put on a heel without being in pain.
6)  I have fake fingernails that I’m supposed to go to the salon once every two weeks to have filled. I was just in the salon 5 days ago and the acrylic nails are already peeling and chipping off.  On some fingers I only have half of the acrylic nail left at this point.
7)  I can feel the meth coming out of my skin.  I have a sore between my eyebrows that I keep picking at and it continues to ooze a clear liquid. 
8)  I ache and am sore everywhere.  My joints hurt when I move,  my back aches,  I get frequent headaches, and my legs feel like they are slowly dying.
9)  My heart beats so hard and so fast anymore that my chest hurts a good part of every day.  And I can feel the irregularities when it’s beating. My normal pulse used to run in the low 80’s. This past week I checked my heart tracker app on my phone and I have been anywhere from 100-120 on a daily basis!
10) I hate the ‘methopause’ phases that I go through. When I’m high I sweat like a pig. I have to be careful about what color shirts I wear when I’m high because gray ones especially show my armpit perspiration. Then there are other times, particularly when I’m coming down, that I can never get warm. There are days at work my hands literally go numb from being so cold.
11) I am so sick and tired of having to wear long-sleeved shirts everyday and everywhere I go to cover my track marks. I can’t remember the last time I was able to wear a shirt that was above my elbows. FYI: It sucks in the summertime to be high, sweating profusely, and then have to put on a long-sleeved shirt …ugh!!

Reasons I love using meth and do not want to quit:
1)  I don’t have any desire to eat!
2)  I love the feeling I get when I am first hit.  When I push that needle into my arm, first I can taste it in the back of my throat and then it goes right down to my hoo-ha (my vagina) and I cum instantly. Then my head gets all tingly and I just start talking ..sometimes for a day or two straight just rambling about nothing.  I feel as though I have an endless supply of energy and self-confidence. 
3)  I like the energy boost it gives me everyday at work.
4)  I can’t ever imagine being interested in sex again without being able to use first.

Why do I want to quit:
1)  My son told me that sometimes he thinks I act high. (He’s never even seen a person high…to my knowledge ).  That scared me.  My children deserve a better me.
2)  I do not want to lose my beautiful teeth. I’d rather kill myself than live with no teeth.
3)  I need the money that I’ve been spending way too much of on that shit.  I spend a minimum of $600-800/month!! That’s a lot of hours worked.  And what do I have to show for it? A fucked-up, rotting body instead of a home for my kids or helping my parents or even being able to go on a vacation.
4)  I do not want to die!  It breaks my heart everytime I think of how my children would suffer if I died from this drug.  I can’t even begin to think about what would go through their minds; constantly trying to figure out why I kept using and why I was so selfish in my desire for it.  And God-forbid they ever even think that it may have been because of something they did. They are the only reasons I am still alive today.  I live for my children.  And now it’s time I actually start living.

I’m going to end there this morning.  I have a ton of things going through my head right now that I need to think about before writing anymore.

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