Crystalkillz's Blog

My journey fighting the demon


November 2012

11-26-2012 at 2:19am

I had a ‘date’ tonight.  I’m not even sure people call them dates anymore.  It was a hook-up with a boy I met on facebook.   I asked him how we became friends and he said he had seen me comment on a friend of his’ page and thought I was hot so he friended me!  Really?!

Oh well.  He wasn’t very good and worst of all, had a small, thin, worm-like dick.  Major fucking disappointment all the way around.   And he kept kissing me.  I cannot stand kissing a boy if I know it’s just a booty call.  Too damned personal.

Then, not even 5 minutes after we left each other, he texted me to ask when we could do it again.   Guys are either fucking stupid or so damned egotistical that they can’t even realize when they suck in the sack?!!  That’s one more boy in this crazy world that I can happily write out of my life.

I was so pissed that I couldn’t get off, I eventually pulled a loaded rig (syringe) out of my purse and shot up in front of him so I could get myself off.  Stupid, stupid, stupid, I know.  Anymore I’m not even sure I care whether or not I get caught.  I sure as fuck don’t care what people think of me. 

So guess what I’m doing 3 other nights this week?   Meeting with 3 new guys (yes, ones that I met through facebook) for ‘dates’.  Let’s just say, I am not holding my breath.   All I can hope for at this point in my week is that one of these guys will have a big enough dick to get me off and know how to use it!  Grrrrrrr

Have a great fucking cyber-Monday!!

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11-25-2012 at 6:03am

Still laying here.  Bored out of my mind.  I hate not living with tweaker friends anymore.  We used to have so much fun!!  We’d go to Walmart at 3am and look at the same racks of clearance clothing for 2 hours solid.  Tweaker or ‘tea-time’ was the shit!!  Not to mention how many other ‘old friends’ (i.e. tweakers) you could find in that Walmart on any given day between 1 and 4am.  If you needed a hookup all you had to do was hangout there until someone else came in and ask them if they ‘knew anything’.  I really miss my old friends.  99% of them have gotten clean and/or gone to prison.  There are only a handful left that I know anymore and they are so dull. 
I remember one summer, a girlfriend and I walked into Walmart when it was 90 degrees outside, yet we were freezing.  We were wearing sweatshirts and pants and were paranoid as fuck!!  It was so much fun!! 
And oh how I would love to hangout with one particular friend.  Whenever we are both high, you can’t shut us up.   We’d butt into each other’s sentences just so the other one could talk.   It’s just not the same anymore.  People are out selling that bath salt bullshit and ripping off everyone they can. Even three years ago, people weren’t that bad.  They at least looked out for each other and you always knew you’d have a house to ‘squat’ (hang) at.  Not now.  If you’re not throwing someone free dope, they’ll kick you to the curb in a second. 
I’ve always looked out for my friends …tweaker or otherwise…and I always will.
I think it says a lot about a person no matter if you’re a user or not. It’s just common R.E.S.P.E.C.T., which very few people seem to get/give anymore.

Ok, I’m done on my soapbox. 🙂
Have a good one!!

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Speak Up Against Meth – Meth Project

Speak Up Against Meth – Meth Project.

11-24-2012 at 11:15pm

Wow! I made it a freaking week without anything!! Amazing and stupid! I spent the better part of tonight in search of. Came home 8 hours later high as fuck plus I got 1 gram of meth and a 1/4 of annie (anhydrous) to boot! The annie was free. All I had to do was give the guy a box. (A box of Sudafed pills which is $5.00 or so). Even though I hate waiting and seaching…especially 8 freaking hours!! …it’s all good now. 🙂

I love, love, LOVE to bang (shoot up) some ice (meth) with just a little bit of annie (anhydrous) on top. There is nothing that gets me off more than when I taste that ether hit the back of my throat. How sick is that? 3-4 years ago I would have told you….not me, NEVER! Yet here I am.

Let me take this opportunity to remind you of how addicting meth truly is. If even one person is deterred by what I write, that will make the hell I’ve gone though somehow worth it.

I just pray that my children are never tempted. I would die before I would ever let them take even one hit! It would kill me to watch them go through anything with the monster.

I lied to a great friend tonight and I hate that I did. I am not a liar or a thief. If I need to resort to either of those methods, then I don’t need the shit. I didn’t lie to her to get the shit though. I just told her that I’m not using it. In my book, however, a lie is a lie is a lie. So i am feeling pretty shitty. I know many of you are sitting there thinking, ‘ an honest addict??? Ya, right!!’ But I am….to a fault! I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been ripped off because I trusted people and still do.
Oh well, I also truly believe that karma is a mother fucker and they’ll get theirs. It’s not up to me to judge people or to get retribution. We will ALL face God one day and we will ALL have to answer for our sins. Me included!! And let me say, I dread that day.

That’s about all I know tonight. I am just so thrilled to know that I won’t have to face this coming week at work alone–
(i.e. clean).

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11-22-2012 at 8:14pm

Well it’s Thanksgiving and I have been clean for almost a damn week..and not by choice!! Can’t find anything around here.
I am going fucking crazy!! A 4 day weekend with no dope…are you crazy!??
I slept all of last weekend and as much as I could the beginning of the week. I’d come home from work, be in bed by 6pm and not wake-up until 6am. Don’t even get me started on how much weight I’ve put on!! All I do is eat and oh how I crave diet pepsi and anything with sugar! I counted my calorie intake one day and it was over 2,000! Wtf!?

Anyways, this clean life will never be for me. I feel 100 times worse since I was forced to quit. That’s all. I’m in a terribly bitchy mood.

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Watch “Marijuana VS. Crystal Meth – Funny but true video” on YouTube

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Watch “Meth Project Official Ad – Jessica” on YouTube

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11-14-2012 at 2:00am

Good morning!  I apologize for taking almost a week to post anything new. I was seriously thinking about getting clean because I am broke.  That lasted 5 days.  Can’t do it. I can’t function at work without ‘shit’.  All I did at home was sleep. No energy and I’d get nervous twitches. I looked more strung out off the shit!  So, my d-boy (dealer) owed me a g (gram) from a ways back and I called him on it. Now I’m feeling much better…normal. 
Next week is Thanksgiving, then Christmas . I hate the holidays for the simple fact that it’s pretty much the only time I have to face 3 of my relatives that know I ‘was’ a user so every time I see them they inspect my arms. They don’t come out and say anything but they may as well. Their disapproving glares kill me inside.  Like I don’t already know I’m a loser junkie! I just want to yell at them, ‘The only time I feel at peace with myself is when I’m high. I don’t need your condescending attitude as well!’
Oh well. That’s one of the things I have to deal with if I want to continue this lifestyle.
As far as work, who the fuck knows.  I dread the day I get caught.  I just wish they could see how much better I function when I’m high. Not an outrageously stupid high.  I just use enough to maintain.  I hate sleeping. I’m afraid to fall asleep. I’m not sure why that is.
That’s all for now. Short and sweet.  I’ll be thinking more clearly as the week goes on 🙂

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11-7-2012 at 1:32am

Good morning!! Seems like the only time I have to write these posts is in the middle of the night with working all day, running errands in the evenings, and helping the kids with their homework.  And people wonder why a ‘biotch’ needs a little pick me up once in awhile. Lol

So, I actually did research the ‘ vein’ issue and found that the inner elbow has 4 good veins to hit.
Other places mentioned :
**the vein running down your forearm –note of caution,  this vein tends to roll, but supposedly works great once you figure out how to stop it from rolling.
**the hand–says it can be painful and bruises easier.
**in between the toes (personally I have heard differing viewpoints on this and have never tried it).
Note of caution : one blogger stated that it’s hard to hit the veins in your feet and, if you try and it swells up, you should seek immediate medical attention as your feet are more prone to infection. 
Just passing along some info. If I try anywhere new, I’ll be sure to let you know how it felt, the result,  and any complications.

On another note, the election is over.  Whether you’re happy or sad about the outcome, our country needs all the prayer it can get. That is all.

I’m not sure I’m happy with the latest batch of shit (meth) that I purchased.  Unfortunately I buy a week or two’s supply at a time so, good or bad, it’s there until it’s used up. I would never throw any out!!  🙂
I just feel like whenever I use from this batch,  my mind isn’t clear.  Now, I understand that meth fucks with your head, but I’ve never had it like this.  It feels like my brain is detached from my mouth so whenever I talk all that comes out is stupid. Grrrrr
And I feel paranoid to an extreme!  I know paranoia goes along with meth use and I usually have a mild case of it,  but this time I feel like people are CONSTANTLY whispering about me; at work, in the store,  at my house. It’s not cool to sit at work for 8+ hours a day constantly looking over your shoulder to see if co-workers are really there whispering about you or not. I’ll see if this happens during the next batch I get. If so, it may be time to….nope, not gonna say it!

As you have seen,  I post a lot of random thoughts.  Sometimes when I say I will continue with a subject or follow-up on something, I never do. I apologize for that; it’s never intentional…that’s just how a meth user’s mind works.

I put away money for Christmas last paycheck.  Tonight I was doing a mental budget in my head and caught myself considering dipping into that money so I’d have enough dope to last the next couple of months.  Had to slap my hand and remind myself that I would never take away from my children.  Yes, I know the critics out there will say, ‘But you already take away from them by using ..they’re losing part of their mother as well as money you may have potentially saved for their future.’
To the nay-sayers I say, ‘FUCK YOU!!!’
Until you’ve walked in my shoes don’t judge me…in fact, the only one who can judge is the Lord God Himself and I will have to answer to Him when that day comes …not you.’

Well, I am off to see what other sorts of trouble I can get into the next couple of hours before I have to get ready for work.  Have a super – no election commercials – day!!

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