Hi! Bet you can’t guess what I’ve been up to tonight. So much for my wake-up call/chance to finally get clean. What the fuck is wrong with me???????????
I sit here trying to figure out where I fucked up so badly that I turned to meth.
A) I had the ideal Norman Rockwell childhood: Mom was a teacher, dad has worked for the same company for 30+ years now. Homemade (everything!!) cookies and milk everyday after school. They’ve been married over 40 years. Never spanked me. Never saw them argue.
B) Have always had a loving family that supported me no matter what shit I’ve gotten mixed up with. They don’t even lecture me. My dad just somehow knows that anything he says at this point in my life cannot even compare to how badly I’m beating myself up…and he’s right.
C) My mom’s first and only lover is my dad. I’m pretty sure my dad had a good time in high school, but has always been 100% faithful to my mother.
D) We attended church and Sunday school every week.
E) We were raised by two people that were raised on farms and instilled a great Midwestern work ethic in us. Splitting wood, planting garden, detassling, always working outdoors.
F) I only saw my dad drink beer 2 or 3 times in my life. My mom never smoked or drank. Both parents were raised with alcoholic fathers and were determined not to carry that on.
G) My mom is a saint. She is trusting to the point of being naive and she does not (I don’t even think she knows how to) lie.
She returns a dime to a store if they overpay her. I am not exaggerating!
H) They both became born-again Christians in the early ’90’s. Must dad is almost legalistic in his beliefs. I honestly don’t know how a person can have more trust in God. He won’t even carry a cell phone …says if he breaks down, ‘the Lord will take care of him’. Don’t get me wrong, I admire the hell out of him for his beliefs. I’m just so far away from where he is in his complete and utter trust in God for everything. He even risks his job to evangelize to every single person he meets. Says that ‘God will provide if he is fired for spreading His word’. How many people do you know that have that much faith…in anything?!! The closest I can come to that is my complete and utter faith in meth to carry me away.
I) My mother makes anyone else look like an unfit mother. She cooks huge meals 3 times everyday. She’s up at 3am everyday doing chores (even now, in her 60’s), she gives every dime to her children and grandchildren, she can run circles around any woman I have ever met. Hell, she outdid me when I was in my 20’s and early 30’s and she was in her mid to late 50’s!!
So, back to my question; What the fuck happened to me???
I know that I’ve truly fucked up a lot of chances. Was that something I was born with or something I learned ….to fuck up every good thing that comes into my life??? I have sincerely tried to change my life and how I do things, but I keep fucking up every good and pure thing that comes within a 50 mile radius!
On that note, I will stop writing while I hash a few more things out in my brain this morning.
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