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Crystalkillz's Blog

My journey fighting the demon

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December 2012

Love this quote! So TRUE!!

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12-25-2012 at 2:44am

Good morning!  It is Christmas Day and I have used almost an entire gram of meth in the past 12 hours.  Which really sucks. I was planning on getting at least a week out of that 1 g baggy. And not only am I out, I’m out on Christmas Day. I can’t remember if the dealers I’ve known/gone through in the past have taken holidays off or not. If I recall correctly, snow storms and holidays were always particularly hard times to score.

Another first this morning/last night.  When I was using that much, I honestly didn’t care if I died of a heart attack or whatever. I know there are a lot of users that will do a gram blast (one syringe loaded with an entire gram of meth), however I have never been able to use that much all at one time. What worries me more than the fact that I didn’t care if I died, is the fact that I actually sat down and wrote out a will for what little I do have as well as letters to my children about various things I would want them to know as they grew up without their mother.  It wasn’t like I was actively planning on committing suicide, but more of a coming to terms with the fact that I have long since passed the point of no return with my meth addiction.  What truly made me sad wasn’t the fact that I was thinking about my death, but of how little I even cared that it’s Christmas Day and my kids may wake up without a mother today.  I could never take my own life-I’m too much of a coward. But isn’t that exactly what I’m doing everytime I put a needle in my arm??  I am taking my life away. It doesn’t matter if I do it over a long period of time or not.  The method and the means will not matter to my children.  Only that they hurt so terribly.   And I can hardly stand to think of the questions that my death could possibly bring to their young minds.  It would break my heart if any of my children even slightly considered my choices a reflection on them or that perhaps they weren’t enough to make me want to stay clean and live a better life.  My children are and always will be everything to me!! Let this be an indication of how destructive and overwhelming this drug truly is. I never even used drugs until I lost my children during my divorce and custody battle.   3 months after I lost custody, I had a lady give me meth to try.   Not only did she give me meth, but she also loaded it into a syringe and shot me up with it.  I will NEVER, EVER forget that feeling as long as I live.  It was purely magical to me.  Every once in awhile I can still achieve that feeling when I shoot up, however it is and continues to be fewer and farther between.

I have so much to write this morning, but I absolutely have to try to get in at least 2 hours of sleep.  The last time I slept was Friday night.   And it is now Tuesday.   I can definitely tell.  I am much more paranoid and find myself getting irritated at the dumbest little things.  My eyes have become blurry from the lack of sleep and proper hydration.

On that note I will close and wish all of you a happy, safe, and Merry Christmas!!!

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Heartrate Tracker Stats 12-23-2012

December 11-23, 2012
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12-22-2012 at 6:41am

Hi. Sorry I’ve been away for so long. Really thought I had the willpower to stay clean this time.  Nope.  This drug is the fucking devil. Doesn’t care about you…only wants your soul. Doesn’t care about your family, your children or your friends…only about doing WHATEVER it takes to get and stay high.  I honestly thought I was still in control of my habit with meth. Wrong!!  I am utterly and hopelessly under it’s control.  Every last penny I earn will go towards this drug until it kills me. Of that much I am sure.  I have considered my usage over the past 3 years,  at best, recreational.   I now know better.  It has got me hook, line, and sinker and has for a long time.  I just didn’t realize it.  I have tried so very hard to go off it, but I can’t function anymore without it.  I can’t think clearly and I can’t hold still unless I do a blast.   I feel as though I look and act more like the stereotypical tweeker when I’m NOT using.  I twitch, I crave sugar like it’s air,  I can’t process a sane thought, and my hands don’t ever stop shaking. I feel so uneasy the entire time.  When I finally do give in and make the call for more, my entire body literally shakes in anticipation.  I can’t focus on work, errands, anything until I feel that loaded rig going into my arm.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE ..if you know  of anyone that is even considering using meth, do whatever is in your means to prevent it.  Trust me when I say you will have saved a soul from hell.

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12-12-2012 at 12:47am

I officially fucking hate boys!! I really, truly hope the piece of shit that I fucked tonight gets butt fucked by karma…again and again and again. That is all

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12-11-2012 at 4:03am

Thinking I’ve come to the tail end of a great run with my best friend, meth. My main guy got busted and is going to prison.   Tonight it took me 6 hours just to find one person who had any shit (out of over 10 that I called) and then I had to pay over 30% more than normal…AND wait another hour just to yet it.   Is it really fucking worth it anymore?
HELL YES!! 
How sad is that?   I was shaking in anticipation of that loaded rig not even 4 hours ago.   I had been clean for almost a freaking week–and in my book, that’s a week too long!! 

I honestly thought about staying clean the past 3 days.  But then I weighed myself this morning and I had put on 5 pounds…what the fuck!!!  Then I thought how far into it I’ve gotten and I am so afraid that it’s going to take me going to a treatment center (if I don’t die first) to kick this. And let me tell you how I would do just about anything to avoid the shame of having anyone (parents, friends, co-workers) knowing that I use /still use.
I have a lot of pride and that’s usually where I get myself in a jam.

Oh well.  Not gonna ruin an awesome high today with downer thoughts!  More to come in the next few days to be sure 🙂

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12-4-2012 at 1:09am

I just got home from fucking an amazing man.  His dick is freaking amazing.  I could have fucked him all night and all day, but I never want to overstay my welcome.   Damn he is so good.   Booyaa!!!
He makes me come over and over and over!!

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12-3-2012 at 3:14am

Hi! Sorry I haven’t been keeping up on my posting.  Thought for sure I was going to have to get and stay clean this month.  I am beyond broke and refuse to take money out of my kids’ Christmas funds for dope!  But my dealer came through and said for every box of Sudafed (costs approx.  $10.00) I give him, he can get me at least 1/2 of dope (street value = $60-70.00).  Not a bad turnaround.  And I figure I could sell a couple of those halves at street value to pay for the cost of the product.  Just have to be careful because once you start buying boxes of Sudafed,  your name is automatically entered into a database via your driver’s license.  That is exactly what I do NOT need….to be watched in any way, shape or form!!

Well, I essentially quit talking to most of my ex as well as my current fuck buddies. I have been so lonely this past week because of it as well.  Even though I know they only want one thing from me, I still feel needed whenever they text/call me. 
The reason I quit talking to them??  Because I’ve gained at least 5 pounds and I cannot fuck a guy when I feel shitty about myself.  I just can’t do it. I worry too much about what they’re thinking about my fat body and I can’t enjoy it.   The reason I won’t date a man seriously…because I don’t feel that it would be fair to any decent man to fall for a meth addict. A junkie. A tweaker. A needle freak. Argh!!  So, I am ‘forever alone’ because I will never give up using meth forever.  

I got a half earlier tonight in exchange for a box that I took to my dealer.  And ohhhhh was it fire (really good dope)!!
I will be high off of that one rig for the next 2-3 days!!  Then he will get me more. Only problem is that I can’t buy another box yet, so I’ll have to con someone into getting me some ‘cold medicine ‘.
Beats tapping into the Christmas money and sure as fuck beats staying clean until next month!!!

I am so excited about Christmas shopping for my kids this year knowing that I have earned and saved every penny I am spending on them!  I don’t want anything except to watch the joy on their faces when they open their gifts!!  

On that note, I’m going to close and head back to online shopping for a couple more hours before work. 
Have a super-high day!!!

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