Good morning!  It is Christmas Day and I have used almost an entire gram of meth in the past 12 hours.  Which really sucks. I was planning on getting at least a week out of that 1 g baggy. And not only am I out, I’m out on Christmas Day. I can’t remember if the dealers I’ve known/gone through in the past have taken holidays off or not. If I recall correctly, snow storms and holidays were always particularly hard times to score.

Another first this morning/last night.  When I was using that much, I honestly didn’t care if I died of a heart attack or whatever. I know there are a lot of users that will do a gram blast (one syringe loaded with an entire gram of meth), however I have never been able to use that much all at one time. What worries me more than the fact that I didn’t care if I died, is the fact that I actually sat down and wrote out a will for what little I do have as well as letters to my children about various things I would want them to know as they grew up without their mother.  It wasn’t like I was actively planning on committing suicide, but more of a coming to terms with the fact that I have long since passed the point of no return with my meth addiction.  What truly made me sad wasn’t the fact that I was thinking about my death, but of how little I even cared that it’s Christmas Day and my kids may wake up without a mother today.  I could never take my own life-I’m too much of a coward. But isn’t that exactly what I’m doing everytime I put a needle in my arm??  I am taking my life away. It doesn’t matter if I do it over a long period of time or not.  The method and the means will not matter to my children.  Only that they hurt so terribly.   And I can hardly stand to think of the questions that my death could possibly bring to their young minds.  It would break my heart if any of my children even slightly considered my choices a reflection on them or that perhaps they weren’t enough to make me want to stay clean and live a better life.  My children are and always will be everything to me!! Let this be an indication of how destructive and overwhelming this drug truly is. I never even used drugs until I lost my children during my divorce and custody battle.   3 months after I lost custody, I had a lady give me meth to try.   Not only did she give me meth, but she also loaded it into a syringe and shot me up with it.  I will NEVER, EVER forget that feeling as long as I live.  It was purely magical to me.  Every once in awhile I can still achieve that feeling when I shoot up, however it is and continues to be fewer and farther between.

I have so much to write this morning, but I absolutely have to try to get in at least 2 hours of sleep.  The last time I slept was Friday night.   And it is now Tuesday.   I can definitely tell.  I am much more paranoid and find myself getting irritated at the dumbest little things.  My eyes have become blurry from the lack of sleep and proper hydration.

On that note I will close and wish all of you a happy, safe, and Merry Christmas!!!

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