Crystalkillz's Blog

My journey fighting the demon


February 2013

2-12-2013 @ 10:43pm

Hi!!  I apologize for not keeping up on my posting.   I have made the decision to get clean.  I took five days off of work last week and barely moved from my bed that entire time.  I felt despair like never before,  misery, depression, anxiety, hopelessness, scared, angry…and the list continues.

Today, however, I feel hopeful 🙂
Wow, it’s been forever since I’ve ever even considered the possibility of hope to creep into my life.  And I like it!  🙂

I have started to take steps toward continuing to maintain my sobriety /clean. 
I have recruited a co-worker to work out with me before and/or after work, I have started downloading healthy food recipes, I made a doctor AND a dentist appointment…two things I’ve put off forever — 3 years and 8 months to be more precise — unless it was an emergency, I made a budget –and it’s one that doesn’t include the $200.++ a week for meth, and I made a short and long term goals list. I am so freaking excited.  And I found an awesome older lady at an NA meeting that I think will make an incredible sponsor!!

I need to go to sleep now ….Lolololol
Guess normal people have to sleep, damn it :p. Next post I’m going to list all the cons to using ….just so I can refer to it whenever I’m having a bad day.
Good night all!!!  God and life are good!!

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2-1-2013 @ 2:49am

Sorry …had to take a minute there. 
I am so fucking fed up with feeling like this!!  

I hate that my fingernails and toenails are literally being eaten off my skin.

I hate that my hair is falling out.

I hate that my once beautiful, white teeth are rotting out a little more every day.

I hate that I have aged so much.

I hate not being able to function without the monster.   I thought last week I was gonna do it.  I made it 5 whole days with nothing.   I ended up taking the entire week off from work ‘sick’ because I couldn’t get out of bed, but I really thought I could do it.  The day I had to go back to work, I literally couldn’t calm myself without a hit.   FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

What did I do to deserve this sentence in life???!!!!!??????

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2-1-2013 @ 2:41am

February 1. The month of love.  And I have never felt more fucking alone!!!  I fucking hate my life.   I hate everything I have become.  I hate that I have become the woman /mother/ sister/ friend /daughter …. addicted to meth.  How weak is that?   I have always considered myself strong.  Not anymore.

This shit has got me in every way possible.  And it took me over 3 years to fucking realize how deep I am.  I still don’t think I fully grasp it …everything that it controls …everything I have lost…fucked up….fucked over.  Lost chances and opportunities.

As I banged 1/2 tonight I found myself thinking, ‘Why do I need to be/is it  possible to be any higher?’  Not feeling anything …except chest pain.

To be continued …

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