Here I am again. Exactly where I left off … it’s been almost a fucking year since I last posted (March of 2012 was my last entry).
I would love to tell you I’ve been able to stay clean and how wonderful life is being clean.
But I can’t.
I didn’t stay clean.
The longest consecutive amount of time I have been clean in the past 9 months is 29 days. The total cumulative amount of time I’ve been clean in the past 9 months is probably 4 months … half of the time. And that was only because I was too broke to afford anymore.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to come down from meth this year and how fucking bad the withdrawals were. There were so many (most) times I wasn’t sure I was going to survive physically.
And mentally … that’s a whole other hell in itself. The depression that accompanies coming down from meth is almost unbearable. Crushing. All I can think about is how horrible of a person I am. How I don’t deserve anything in this life. How could anyone love such a sick, fucked up person?
Why can’t I just be NORMAL??
I don’t even know what normal is/feels like anymore.
Will I ever experience true love again … do I even want to drag another person into my fucked up mess of a life? Who deserves this kind of hell? Wouldn’t everyone be better off without my junkie ass fucking shit up all the time? How will I ever meet a ‘normal’ guy (ie. one that wants to settle down and isn’t a user) if I were to stay clean? If I did meet one, how would I ever begin to explain my usage/past? Would/could/should they ever trust me to stay clean? Who in their right mind would ever want to begin to unpack all of the baggage that I have? There are plenty of available women in this world. Why even bother unraveling this mess of a woman? FUCK!! I can’t stand myself … how will anyone else be able to?