Sitting here on the couch while everyone else in the house is fast asleep.  Just took another bump of meth although I can’t feel possibly feel any higher at this point.

Not even sure why I use anymore.

…maybe it’s because I will do just about anything to avoid coming down, the crash;
…maybe it’s because I can’t face the debilitating depression that takes over my mind and body when I think of all I’d have to face and can’t possibly imagine having to face without the monster by my side; I’m positive the depression will kill me before the meth;
…maybe it’s to avoid the regret I feel when I look back over the decisions and choices I’ve made on my most recent high …or any high in the past 4 1/2 years for that matter
…maybe it’s to avoid people. All people. And having to learn to live all over again without meth’s help;
…or maybe it’s because I can’t stand the judgmental stares and knowing whispers of former ‘friends/loved ones’; ‘You know she’s a junkie/a meth head/a drug addict. It’s no wonder her husband left her.’

Guess what all of you…
…who used to call yourself my friends;
…who used to trust me with your children when you’d send them over to play with my children;
…who used to look up to me as I served on our elementary school PTO;
…who revered me as a woman of God and accepted me as one of their own;
…who praised and encouraged me as I began a MOPs (Mothers of Preschoolers) group in our church;
…who proclaimed how ‘lucky their children were’ whenever it was my turn to serve in the church nursery or teach Sunday school;
….who thought I was nothing short of miraculous as I volunteered countless hours to several local non-profit organizations every week while continuing to be a loving wife & stay-at-home mother to our children for many years;
…who constantly raved about my ability to manage everything while still finding time to cook 3+ meals a day, entertain once or twice a month, hold weekly bible studies in our home – complete with a spotless home and made-from-scratch goodies;
…who were shocked at the lack of fuss/complaint I put up in regards to the amount of time my husband at the time was required to travel for work – (I added it up one year – he traveled overseas 250 days of the 365 days that year alone!) Which meant 2/3 of that year, and almost ever other year we were married, I managed all of the above tasks/duties/obligations/ and privileges without him being physically present. And yes, I’ll be the first to admit the high level of income that he earned afforded us many luxuries, none of which I ever complained of;

THERE ISN’T A SINGLE JUDGEMENT, NOR HARSH WORD NOR NEGATIVE thought that anyone could EVER say or even think about me that would or could come close to the condemnation that I have for and pour down onto myself weekly… daily… hourly…minute after slow-ass-minute.