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Crystalkillz's Blog

My journey fighting the demon

Month

October 2012

Crystal Meth Music

Awesome song on Youtube and by awesome I mean I don’t feel alone when I listen to it. For someone to have sung these lyrics, they HAVE to know where I’m at.

THE LIST: October 14, 2012 at 1:05 am

I’ve been laying in my bed all night facing the fact that I am broke and I have two rigs of meth left to use tomorrow before my last gram is gone.  Then what???  I refuse to sleep with people in exchange for anything / any drug.
That leaves me with ony one option.
Get clean.

As I was pondering that thought,  I decided that I needed to make a list of why I want to get clean, and why I don’t want to as well, to have as a reference tool whenever I’m thinking about using again.  So here goes…

Reasons I hate using meth :
1)  My teeth.  I hate how bad they hurt when I use.  Anbesol isn’t cutting it anymore.
2)  My lips are so dehydrated they are cracked and peeling.
3)  My tongue is cracking in the center as well and it hurts to swallow orange juice or to chew anything rough/crunchy at all.
4)  My elbow and veins are fucked
..to put it bluntly.
5)  My toes hurt whenever I put shoes on. They are developing black spots and blisters all over them. Shoes have always been one of my very favorite things to shop for and now there are days I can barely put on a heel without being in pain.
6)  I have fake fingernails that I’m supposed to go to the salon once every two weeks to have filled. I was just in the salon 5 days ago and the acrylic nails are already peeling and chipping off.  On some fingers I only have half of the acrylic nail left at this point.
7)  I can feel the meth coming out of my skin.  I have a sore between my eyebrows that I keep picking at and it continues to ooze a clear liquid. 
8)  I ache and am sore everywhere.  My joints hurt when I move,  my back aches,  I get frequent headaches, and my legs feel like they are slowly dying.
9)  My heart beats so hard and so fast anymore that my chest hurts a good part of every day.  And I can feel the irregularities when it’s beating. My normal pulse used to run in the low 80’s. This past week I checked my heart tracker app on my phone and I have been anywhere from 100-120 on a daily basis!
10) I hate the ‘methopause’ phases that I go through. When I’m high I sweat like a pig. I have to be careful about what color shirts I wear when I’m high because gray ones especially show my armpit perspiration. Then there are other times, particularly when I’m coming down, that I can never get warm. There are days at work my hands literally go numb from being so cold.
11) I am so sick and tired of having to wear long-sleeved shirts everyday and everywhere I go to cover my track marks. I can’t remember the last time I was able to wear a shirt that was above my elbows. FYI: It sucks in the summertime to be high, sweating profusely, and then have to put on a long-sleeved shirt …ugh!!

Reasons I love using meth and do not want to quit:
1)  I don’t have any desire to eat!
2)  I love the feeling I get when I am first hit.  When I push that needle into my arm, first I can taste it in the back of my throat and then it goes right down to my hoo-ha (my vagina) and I cum instantly. Then my head gets all tingly and I just start talking ..sometimes for a day or two straight just rambling about nothing.  I feel as though I have an endless supply of energy and self-confidence. 
3)  I like the energy boost it gives me everyday at work.
4)  I can’t ever imagine being interested in sex again without being able to use first.

Why do I want to quit:
1)  My son told me that sometimes he thinks I act high. (He’s never even seen a person high…to my knowledge ).  That scared me.  My children deserve a better me.
2)  I do not want to lose my beautiful teeth. I’d rather kill myself than live with no teeth.
3)  I need the money that I’ve been spending way too much of on that shit.  I spend a minimum of $600-800/month!! That’s a lot of hours worked.  And what do I have to show for it? A fucked-up, rotting body instead of a home for my kids or helping my parents or even being able to go on a vacation.
4)  I do not want to die!  It breaks my heart everytime I think of how my children would suffer if I died from this drug.  I can’t even begin to think about what would go through their minds; constantly trying to figure out why I kept using and why I was so selfish in my desire for it.  And God-forbid they ever even think that it may have been because of something they did. They are the only reasons I am still alive today.  I live for my children.  And now it’s time I actually start living.

I’m going to end there this morning.  I have a ton of things going through my head right now that I need to think about before writing anymore.

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October 11, 2012 at 2:22am

Hi! Today is day 4 of this high.  As tired and worn out as my body feels right now, I can’t ever imagine living without this feeling. 

I met an amazingly hot guy at work a couple of years ago (December of 2010) and we went out last night. We fucked for 4 hours straight!  It was pretty amazing!  We would have fucked a lot longer but he wanted to be in bed by midnight for work the next morning.  Then he texted me before 6am that he had an amazing time and couldn’t wait to do it again!! 
We have the perfect arrangement! We both love to fuck and don’t want any commitment or drama.  He is 23 and getting deployed a second time to Afghanistan in July of 2013 (He is in the Army reserves and has NO idea I use. He would never be associated with me if he knew..I’ll cover that whole topic another post).  I am 39 and have had my children, been married, and just want some clean, no hassles fun!
And sex is absolutely amazing when I’m high.  I can go over and over again …the longest I’ve continuously fucked a guy is 36 hours.  And the only reason we stopped was because I was too sore to have anything else inside me.  The same goes for masterbating.  I can lay in my bed for 8+ hours and continually get myself off, sometimes 4-5 times per hour.  When I’m not high, I don’t have any desire for anything to do with sex anymore.

New Meth-induced issues:
A)  I have a huge blister on the top of my right big toe. It feels squishy, like I could pop it but I tried and it won’t.  I had a couple of these same types of blisters on other toes earlier in the week and now they are all just drying up and the skin is peeling off. They hurt so bad before they ‘pop’.  I could barely walk at work today.  My big toe kept rubbing on my shoe whenever I did.
B)  My throat is swollen and is sore to the touch.  It hurts to and is difficult to swallow at times.
C)  Not a new issue, but one that I hate more each time it happens — meth sores all over my face and neck.  I can’t help but sit here all night and just pick at or rub them over and over again. Typically by this time in my cycle of use I’m looking like a boy going through puberty.  Grrrrr

Other than that, my plan was to come home from work tonight,  take a couple of sleeping pills and get a minimum of 8 hours of sleep in. Well, I got home from work, took my sleeping pills, shot up (just a tiny bit), and here it is….almost 3am and I’m still wide awake!  Two more hours until shower and get ready time.  Then off to another day of work at 7:30am.

Have a great day!! 
Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to work this high-hoe goes!  Lmfao

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October 9, 2012 @ 12:04am

Here I am, still awake.  Day 2 for now. I do so much better at work with just a hit in the morning.
Just to maintain. 
And so I can socialize. 
I have such horrible anxiety talking to people without my crystal courage. 
How do normal (ie. clean) people survive???

I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never be able to get off of this shit. It is my best-friend, my self-confidence,  my courage– all wrapped into one neat little injectable rig (needle).

I just hope that I die high and happy. Not in a coma or on life-support.  DNR –do NOT resuscitate!!!  Let me go how I want to. If I’m lucky, it will be the one last thing I have control over in my life.

I am sweating so horribly today.  Yuck!!! And all I can smell is my meth BO 😦
Once I level out and get an hour or two or sleep tomorrow or the next night, I’ll feel much better.

I did eat today, so that’s good if you like to eat…and be FAT!! 
I do not!!
I ate 190 calories …argh!!

Well, off to ‘tweaker-time’ for awhile. Catch ya ‘all on the flip side  😉

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October 7, 2012 at 10:48pm

Well, I tried …again, to stay clean. Made it 2 days. And here I am. Back at it.  I was going crazy laying in bed for 2 days thinking about the feeling…the rush I get when I push that needle in. Ohhhh and I felt it earlier today. Wowza!! Good shit!  So, I will be up all night. Oh well. I was slacking on my posts. No energy. Felt like I just wanted to die in my bed. Feeling 110% now 🙂

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The end..??

I am 98% sure that today is the day I will die from a methamphetamine overdose.  I have been using since Sunday. Today is Thursday and I haven’t gone to bed….since Saturday night. In the past 4+ days I have eaten a total of MAYBE 500 calories.  I only urinated once today. My entire body aches and has new bruises everytime I look.  I am so paranoid when anyone is near me that I barely make it through the days at work.
Why the fuck then is, after all the shit I just wrote, the ONLY thing I can think about is putting that needle in my arm again??????
TWISTED, SICK, DEMENTED,  EVIL DRUG!!!

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October 2, 2012 at 6:08am

I thought I was gonna die last night!? Ha!! My heart can’t even keep up this morning. I feel so horrible. My body hurts EVERYWHERE
Really??  All of this so I don’t get fat?!?!? And for what?  No man in my life and I hate my job!
I don’t know what to do at this point other than to HOPE that i do die and that it’s quick and painless. Only problem with that is, I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DON’T WANT THIS ‘SHIT’ TO WIN!  I LOVE MY KIDS AND WANT TO BE HERE TO SEE THEM GRADUATE, GET MARRIED, AND HAVE FAMILIES OF THEIR OWN!!
I WANT TO KNOW GOD AGAIN AND I WANT GLORIFY HIM, NOT THE ENEMY!!!
How do I end this destructive, hopeless circle I keep running?

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October 1, 2012 at 1:56am

Laying here in bed wondering why I ever started using…and how I will ever be able to quit. Would I rather die now.
No…I don’t think so even though that’s what I secretly hope for with every rig.

List of reasons why I feel shitty enough right now to want to walk away from using:
1)  Meth mouth…my mouth feels like it’s on fire and I can see and feel my once beautiful white teeth rotting away.
2)  I claim to use to lose weight, but I haven’t lost (and kept off) any weight since I started over 2 years ago.
3)  My legs are constantly cramping up.
My memory is fading with every use now.
4)  My face is all broken out from me picking all night again.
5)  I just want to be able to sleep normally again.
6)  My fingernails and toenails are cracked & hurting.
7)  I am constantly paranoid that everyone is talking and/or laughing about me when I am high. I can’t even go into a store without suspecting everyone of knowing that I’m high and mocking me.
8)  I CONSTANTLY fear that I will lose my job if anyone finds out.
9)  It would kill me inside if my children /family found out about my usage by me overdosing or having a heart attack or dying.   Argh!!!

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My Heart Rate tracker Android app

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I decided to keep track of my heart rate in July of 2012. I wanted to compare when I’m high and when I’m clean. You can be the judge…

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